HITTING THE BRICK WALL
The tracks to my new future lay before me. I was ready for the journey, eager to be on my way. But I was unnerved by a deep tremor, a growing rumble. Like a speeding train, reality had come hurtling up behind me; and it was about to give me an almighty whack.
My final days at Nike went in a whirlwind. I was finishing tasks, saying goodbyes, opening my new Instagram, and trying to get my first business venture up and running. I felt invigorated and alive in a way I hadn’t experienced for a very long time, maybe ever. This was new and exciting. My ideas were taking shape, and I couldn’t wait to get started on my life after Swoosh.
I was swept along with giddy optimism. But cooling winds soon blew my way me as everyday life reared its head.
I am conditioned to being at my desk, and following a very lengthy commute of eight steps, I would continue to rock up to my laptop at 8.30am every morning. My mindset was that I had to be at the desk all day, working typical office hours, and power through a list of tasks at lightening speed. Suddenly, though, my new world wasn’t quite as structured, and I felt like I was doing lots but not actually doing much.
I struggled with my new MacBook (after being a Windows robot for 20+ years) and had to Google simple tasks like ‘how to undo'! I started to feel sluggish in the way I was working, that I was falling behind, and that my to-do list was sprouting new tasks at an exponential rate. I was well and truly out of my comfort zone.
I’d underestimated the work I’d have to do to tie up what I thought were loose ends. I felt I was wasting time on clunky tasks that were a consequence of being made redundant. I thought buying life insurance was as easy as comparing utility prices; it isn’t. I thought finding a car was like shopping for a bike on Gumtree, especially as the top priority was anything to get me from A to B. In the middle of lockdown, with all car sales showrooms closed it’s actually pretty hard - and expensive!
All I could think about was the financial security and benefits I had lost. How much my salary had been, how much my company car was worth, my life insurance, my medical plan, my childcare vouchers, my share scheme, my bonus, and — most importantly — how much I’d have to earn to replace it.
I went into panic mode, seeing repeat reels of numbers in my head day and night. I washed-up seeing numbers, I drove the car (my husband’s as I remained car-less) seeing numbers, I could even add and subtract whilst having a conversation with someone - yes I am pretty good at multi-tasking. The answer to the sum was always the same; it’s going to cost too much. I felt emotional and scared. How would I manage all of these new costs without a job? And even when I did start earning, how would I earn the same as before plus cover the new outgoings like insurances and a car?
I barely slept after the initial buzz of those first few exhilarating days. I felt a bit sick and had a few meltdowns. I knew I might hit a wall after leaving Nike, except I felt this wasn’t quite it. Yes I was worried about the money, and had probably been a bit naive at how much insurance and cars cost, and yes it rattled me how much I’d need to earn to cover these new costs, but it still felt like this was the right path for me. I saw the opportunity before me and knew I was up for the challenge. I’d just have to get my head around the numbers - not difficult considering I’d pushed them through my brain about 10,000 times!
The reality train had sent me spinning. But I got back up, brushed myself down and feeling slightly bruised and dishevelled continued my journey. Taking with me the lessons learned and a sigh of relief it was only a small wall.
